Love, From The East Coast

Memories.

I want my love back, I want this feeling to stop. I don’t want to cry, hurt, or feel alone. I just want to go back. Back to our first kiss, when he turned to me and said “I don’t know if I told you, but you looked beautiful in your dress tonight” and then kissed me like he meant it. To go back to the first time he held my hand. The day he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. The first time we went anywhere, and he took me to his abandoned apartment and we laughed. That day we couldn’t kiss and I accidentally told him I loved him, and he said he loved me back. The first day we ever made love, the way you were so tender and perfect. The way you held me, kissed my head, smoothed my hair. The day we said goodbye and I left for the city and I cried, and then ot three days later you showed up in Penn Station and I ran to you and you scooped me up and swung me around, so much love. All those times you picked me up at he station, how we would kiss and go sleep together in your car behind that baseball field, our spot. The night you showed up at my door, it was a Wednesday night at 9:30 and you didn’t care, you just wanted to see me. Our car accident, when you cried and said you couldn’t believe that you did this to me, even though nothing happened. You said that as we were spinning, you wanted to tell me you got me a ring, just so I knew in case anything happened. Our first Christmas, the day you took me into the city and we saw the Christmas show. We visited the tree in the city one cold night. Our six month anniversary, when you finally gave me that ring and told me it was a promise. All the times we pinky promised forever. Aruba, our first vacation together, so risky to plan such an extravagant trip so far in advance yet we knew, we knew we’d be together. Our first valentines day, you were gone all day but you made up for it. My birthday, the beautiful bracelet you gave me. When I stopped going to school and started taking medication and you wrote me that beautiful card that said you’d be there with me through all of it, everything I was dealing with, that you wanted to be better for me, that you wanted to marry me. My puffer goat, and I was your little goat. I can’t remember how we even started that. Easter, the first holiday our familes spent together. The warm weather came and we drove off to south Carolina, spent 8 days just the two us on the beach, by the pool, walking the boardwalks and having laughs. Making love. Being wonderful. Our one year anniversary, you gave me a rng that belonged to your mom and said this anniversary was the first of many. Summer came and I got worse, I started to feel like wasn’t worth living. You were there. I went to the hospital, you visited every day and told me we would get through this. You talked to me on the phone even though you hate talking on the phone. Sleeping in your arms that first night that I got home. Getting my dog, taking him for walks. We cherished the rest of the summer, when I was getting better. School began, and we still loved. Sure, we fought, sure things weren’t perfect, I didn’t care, I had you. We spent that second Halloween together just at my house, being cute. Driving out to montauk to see the lighthouse with all it’s decorations for Christmas. sitting around, watching movies, watching pretty little liars and jersey shore together every week, going bowling every Sunday. Cooking tacos together, taking baths, being romantic. Taking photo booth pictures on my computer. Holding hands, tickle fights, driving me to school when i had no gas. Back scratches, helping you shave, being stupid together. Holding me, just holding me. Nuggles. Curling up in bed together. Endless amounts of frozen yogurt and coldstone and chipotle. So many nights at the diner with your parents. Being adventurous together, in ever way possible. Packing, unpacking, moving me around. You dropping out of school after school. That day we were fighting and then we went to dinner with your little league team and had such a good time. Watching football with you. Talking for hours while we just lay. Taking walks around at night, the time my mom wanted you to take the bat with you. Last thanksgiving when you took me to see a movie because I was fighting with my friends. Playing trivial persuit at Chelseas, going bowling with them and you learning how to be good. When you hold me from behind, and sneak up on me. Playing chop chop cave man, stupid game. Doing that puzzle of the Brooklyn bridge with your mom. All the times we’d gone to ruby Tuesday’s, like the time I just didn’t go to school and we went to lunch. All the times, and you’ll deny it, that you begged me to stay in bed and cuddle and not go to school. The first week we were going out and my mom asked you to dispose of that dead bird. Showering together, but you take up all the hot water. The key necklace you got me for our second christmas together because you knew I wanted it. The millions of times we drove back and forth to your house and mine, listening to the radio. You singing Katy perry to make me laugh.
I can’t think of more, it hurts too much.