everytime i see this stupid clip i feel like i’m going to throw up.
literally all over everything around me. because I am so fucking fed up and nothing feels like that feels. nothing like those unknown, only-the-two-of-you-know and you are freaking out because there’s nothing else you can even do because you’re screwed and humiliated and neither of you even know how to look at each other. and if I could just go back to then, I would slap myself in the face and wake myself up from the movie that I had casted myself in and maybe I would have realized in that moment that I was just…lost. I lost the game I thought I was in. But then again, maybe I could have accepted that if I wasn’t then told how great I was and how you and your wife are drifting apart and how you’ve been watching me and how I throw you for a loop. Yeah, maybe then I could have realized that I was an idiot. But you fooled me. And that’s why I fucking APOLOGIZED FOR LOVING YOU and you just let me and were all “don’t ever say you’re sorry to be, you don’t ever have to be sorry”. Yeah. Thanks for that one. Maybe had you just been all “it’s cool, no big, have a good life” I wouldn’t have written you a five page letter proclaiming every feeling I ever had for you and asking you to just give me answers. And then maybe I wouldn’t have shown up like a psycho-stalker at your car and just blankly said “you got my letter.” and you wouldn’t have had to look at me with your fucking guilty face and be all “….I did. I did.” And then I wouldn’t have had to just walk away, partly trying to be a bad ass and partly because I couldn’t stand to look at your face for a moment longer. Because if I did— if I looked at that face that told me all those things and opened up to me and made me feel worth something and stared at me for a little too long and made me actually believe that something was going on when clearly, it wasn’t, I think I would have just started screaming and I would have probably laid down and died right there. What the fuck is wrong with you. I was just a little fucking kid. I was just a girl who you took advantage of by using her for your emotional bullshit without a care in the world as to the fact that I was hopelessly in love with you.
You’re not a man. You’re the one who is worthless. I don’t think I will ever forgive you. You should be the one apologizing to me.
Okay I’m done ranting now.
