Dear 16 year old me.
I could tell you so many things, so many things you’re going to do wrong. How much hurt you’ll face. How many times you’ll fuck up. How you’re going to find someone who loves you more than you thought possible and you will love him more than you could even fathom.
So, does that mean that in order to get him, find that happiness, that bliss, you’re going to have to go through a lot of pain and heartache and humiliation? Yes. It means that you are going to fall in love with your English teacher, create a relationship with him that’s close and honest and, in all honesty, a little over the line. You are going to become so infatuated with him, that you feel like you’re losing control of your life. You’re going to believe with a large part of your being that he loves you too. The school will find out. Things will get even more complicated. You’ll now believe that he must love you, the way he talks to you still, the way he is still do open. You’ll have a lovely conversation with him on the last day of school. You’ll think it’s over. You’ll know it’s not. You’re glad you decided to go to college in the city even though your heart wanted to get away, go down south. You chickened out because deep down you think your perfect fairy tale taboo romance is going to come true.
A few days later, you’ll go to prom with the football star that transferred out and needed a date to get in. You’ll still be thinking about your teacher. You’ll think, the football star will never look twice at me. 10 hours later, he’ll tell you how beautiful you looked in your dress and he’ll kiss you.
You’ll be deliriously happy, but you won’t shake how you feel about the man you’ve loved for almost two years.
2 days later you’ll graduate.
3 days after that he’ll ask you to be his girlfriend.
4 weeks later you’ll say you love him.
1 week after that, you’ll both lose your virginitys to each other.
1 month later, you’ll move into your dorm room.
You’ll have fun, but you’ll know it’s not for you. You love your football star, you want to be near him.
You finish the semester and decide to try commuting, because you’re too scared to ask your parents for a semester off. You feel your anxiety creeping up again, but you ignore it.
2 months later, you’ll have an emotional breakdown. The anxiety attacks will take over, you’ll start to slip back into depression.
It’s the first time you’ll be prescribed an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds. You’ll withdraw from school. You’ll feel better, but not for long. The depression will take over.
You’re still in love and happy with your football star. You’ll celebrate your 1 year anniversary.
1 month later, you’ll start thinking how worthless life is.
You’ll think about suicide, for the first time. All those feelings you held on to back in high school, all the resentment towards your parents. Everything you never dealt with will come bubbling up. You’ll stay in bed for days.
You’ll count how many pills you have and try to figure out how many would kill you. You’ll think of stealing your dads gun but would feel too guilty putting that stress on him. You could crash your car, but what if you don’t die.
The only reason you don’t do it is because you can’t think of a fool proof way to do it
Weeks pass in bed. You start cutting yourself just to feel something.
3 days later, you decide to check yourself into the mental hospital. It’s the darkest time in your life.
That week in the hospital was refreshing and eye opening. Life is too precious.
You get out and write a letter to that teacher.
He doesn’t respond.
You start school at home with the hopes of achieving that dream you wanted back then.
To go south and be free. But you’re not that person anymore.
You don’t realize it though.
You decide to go. A few days before, you pay one last visit to that teacher. You think you have a million things to say to him. How he used you for his emotional needs. How he lead you on. How much he impacted your life. To get the answers you deserve. When you see his face, you realize you don’t even care. You tell him you’re moving. You ask one question: did he get the letter?
He looks at you a moment, guilty. I did, he replied. You say okay and walk away without another word. You feel strong and okay.
December. You celebrate your year and a half with that football star, who you love more than life.
You finally go south. He was supposed to go with you; but he changes his mind. You’re gonna do long distance.
You move in to your new place.
3 days later. You realize it’s a mistake. once again, you’ve fucked up and lied to yourself and everyone else. You don’t know how to face everyone. But you know what you have to do.
You pack up your car and drive home.
Try to erase it like it never happened.
You’re gonna fuck up alot and you’re gonna question your own judgement. You’re gonna lose faith and find it again.
You’re gonna be okay.
- (almost) 20 year old me.
